Questions to ask your partner, from easy to big

The best questions to ask your partner aren't clever. They're the ones that get a real answer, asked at a moment when your person has room to give one. Below you'll find questions grouped by depth, from easy ones for a tired Tuesday to big ones for a slow Sunday. You'll also find a simple habit that keeps you asking long after tonight: one question a day, where you each answer before you see the other's.

Start wherever feels right. You don't have to work through the list in order, and you don't have to finish it.

How to use these questions to ask your partner

A list of prompts can turn a chat into an interview fast. A few small rules keep it feeling like a conversation:

• Match the depth to the moment. Easy questions suit a busy evening. Big ones need time, rest and no one checking the clock.
• Ask one, then follow it. The second question is usually better than the first. Try "What makes you say that?" or "What happened next?"
• Both of you answer. If only one person talks, it stops being fun. Take turns, every time.
• Pass is always allowed. Anyone can skip a question with no explanation. You can come back to it another day, or never.
• Listen more than you fix. Most answers don't need advice. A nod and "I didn't know that" goes a long way.

Here is a rough guide to which kind of question fits which moment.

Easy questions: warm-ups for any day

These are light on purpose. They're good on a phone call, in the car or when one of you is half asleep.

• What's the best thing you ate this week?
• If you could skip one chore forever, which would it be?
• What song have you had on repeat lately?
• What's a small thing that made you smile today?
• Morning person, night person, or neither?
• What's your favourite smell?
• Which film could you watch again tonight?
• What would you do with a free afternoon and no plans?
• What's the most useless skill you have?
• Window seat or aisle?
• What's something you're weirdly good at?
• If our home had a theme song, what would it be?

Curious questions: how they think

These go a step further. They're about memories, opinions and the way your partner sees things, without asking anything too personal.

• What did you believe as a child that turned out to be wrong?
• Who was your favourite teacher, and why?
• What's a habit of yours you picked up from your family?
• What's something you changed your mind about in the last few years?
• What does a perfect Saturday look like for you now, compared with five years ago?
• What's a compliment you still remember?
• Which friend do you wish you saw more?
• What's a risk you're glad you took?
• What are you secretly proud of?
• What would you study if you could go back to school for free?
• What's the best advice you've ever ignored?
• If you could master one thing in a year, what would you pick?

Close questions: about the two of you

Now the questions turn towards your relationship. Ask them when you both feel relaxed, not straight after a disagreement.

• What did you first notice about me?
• When do you feel most looked after by me?
• What's a small thing I do that you love and I probably don't know about?
• What's your favourite memory of us so far?
• Is there something you'd like us to do more often?
• How do you like to be comforted when you've had a bad day?
• What's one thing we're good at as a team?
• When did you know this was serious?
• What's something you'd like to try together that we haven't yet?
• How can I make your week a little easier?

Big questions: values, future and the hard stuff

These deserve time. Pick one, not five, and leave plenty of space after it. You don't need to agree on everything today. Understanding each other is the point.

• What do you want our life to look like in five years?
• What does a good home feel like to you?
• How do you feel about money: saving, spending, sharing?
• What did you learn from the relationships you grew up around?
• What's a fear you rarely say out loud?
• What does a fair split of time and effort look like to you?
• Where would you like to live one day, and why?
• What would you never want us to stop doing?
• How do you want us to handle it when we disagree?
• What does support from me look like when life gets hard?

A good rule for big questions: agree beforehand that either of you can say "Let's pause here" and pick it up another day. That makes it easier to be honest.

Why one question a day beats fifty in one night

Most lists get used once. You sit down, work through 20 questions, have a lovely evening, and then the list sits in a tab for months. The conversation doesn't run out because you ran out of things to say. It runs out because nothing brings you back.

One question a day is the opposite. It takes a minute or two, it fits into any day, and it adds up. Ask one easy question on Monday and you've still got something to talk about over dinner. Keep it going for a month and you've had 30 small conversations you otherwise wouldn't have.

Answer first, then see theirs

The small twist that makes a daily question work is answering before you see your partner's answer. When you hear their reply first, it's tempting to agree or shape yours around it. When you both answer on your own, you get two honest answers, and the differences are often the best part.

You can do this without any app: write your answers on two scraps of paper and swap, or each type yours in a note and send them at the same time. It works just as well for couples who live apart, since all you need is a moment each day.

How Heartpact does it

If you'd like the question chosen for you, Heartpact gives the two of you one question each day. You answer first; your partner's answer shows once you've answered. There's a streak for the days you've both answered, which is a gentle nudge on the evenings you'd otherwise forget.

Your answers are just for the two of you, and the question is the same for both, so there's always something to bring up later.

Make it a game when talking feels like effort

Some nights, a serious question is the last thing either of you wants. A game can get you talking without it feeling like a task.

• Same answer: you both answer a prompt and see if you match. Mismatches are the funny part.
• Guess my answer: one of you answers, the other guesses. You'll learn quickly how well you know each other's tastes.
• Would you rather: quick, silly, and often surprisingly revealing.
• Truth or dare: keep the truths kind and the dares agreed. Either of you can pass.

Heartpact has these and more as games for two, played turn by turn on both phones, so they work on the sofa or from different cities.

If you'd rather move than talk, a shared challenge can do the same job: small promises you keep together give you plenty to chat about. Our guide to fitness challenges for couples has ideas you can start this week, and there's more on the Heartpact blog.

When a question lands somewhere tender

Now and then a question opens something you didn't expect: a painful memory, a worry about the relationship, or a difference you hadn't noticed. That's not a failure. It means the question did its job.

• Say thank you. "Thanks for telling me" is often enough for now.
• Don't rush to solve it. Ask whether they want ideas or just want to be heard.
• Pause if you need to. You can agree to come back to it at a set time, like Saturday morning.
• Get outside help if it's heavy. Some topics are worth talking through with a counsellor or another trusted professional, together or on your own.

A week of questions to try

If you want a simple start, here is one question a day for seven days, rising gently in depth.

1. Monday: What's a small thing that made you smile today?
2. Tuesday: What song have you had on repeat lately?
3. Wednesday: What's something you changed your mind about recently?
4. Thursday: What's a compliment you still remember?
5. Friday: What's your favourite memory of us so far?
6. Saturday: How do you like to be comforted on a bad day?
7. Sunday: What would you never want us to stop doing?

Answer each one separately, then compare. By Sunday you'll have a week of small surprises, and probably a few new questions of your own.

The point isn't to find the perfect question. It's to keep asking, a little every day, so your partner never stops being someone you're curious about.